Couples counselling - Time out for grown ups
Monday 6 July 2026 • Written by Anna Webster
You may think that the idea of ‘time out’ is just for kids but actually it’s a key skill for fighting couples to master (don’t worry, nobody will be sitting on the naughty step!)
The trouble with trying to stop an argument once it’s underway is that your neurobiology is working against you. By the time tempers have frayed, both you and your partner are in ‘fight or flight’ mode which makes your brain read everything as an attack.
So how do we de-escalate the situation enough to be able to see what is happening for our partners – and make moves to repair the rift? Try these four useful steps…
1. In advance of the fight, agree on a word, phrase or hand signal that acknowledges things have escalated. Make it personal to you but as simple as possible. Nothing derogatory (so, no, you can’t use that hand signal).
2. Also in advance, decide on your time out period. It takes at least twenty minutes to come out of fight and flight mode but for many people it’s much longer. The break shouldn’t be longer than 24 hours, though, because we don’t want anyone feeling abandoned.
3. Having agreed your break (20 minute – 24 hours), try and do something in that time that soothes you. Where possible don’t ruminate on the fight or plan your retaliation, instead acknowledge that you feel dysregulated and see what you can do to calm your nervous system. Watch TV, crochet, lift weights, walk the dog… provided it doesn’t involve anything mood altering like drink or drugs then it’s fine. Quick note on this: try as far as possible not to communicate during this break – and that definitely includes texting!
4. Once your time out period is over, see if you can come back together willing to find out what emotions the fight brought up for your partner. Fights are always about emotional threat and never really about who lost the car keys or who forgot to load the dishwasher.
We’ll bring you more advice for couples in conflict in future blogs. If you want to find out more about couples counselling, email info@forrescounselling.com. We’d love to hear from you.